Empathetic, not Exhausted

When times are tough, when things are unpredictable, I sometimes find myself wishing there was more empathy in the world.

Great to receive and hard to give, empathy is feeling with another.

One of Brene Brown's gifts is reminding us how powerful empathy is. Empathy is when someone experiences what we are experiencing, a kind of "feeling with". 

It's no surprise that individuals, leaders and companies who are seen as empathetic are loved and celebrated. Empathy is a feeling, so it's not something we do as a task to tick off as much as something to engage in. It takes time and energy to empathise with other people, and that can be tiring.

Avoiding exhaustion

How can we bring empathy without getting exhausted? We find some clues by exploring care.

Feeling with another person is tiring if we don't really like them. Or if they're in an emotional state that we don't like.

Conversely, feeling with another person is easier if we care about them, or we care about an aspect of what that they are facing or feeling.

To be human is to care

Bob Dunham says that "to be human is to care". We care about some things more than others, or not at all. It’s easier to be empathetic for people we care for than those we don’t.

So how do we sustain care for people without becoming exhausted?

Part of the answer lies in the difference between caring about and caring for.

Caring about vs caring for

"Caring about something or someone does not require time and energy. Caring for someone or something does"

– Dan Newby

 
I may care about politics, but I don't take care for politicians.

 On the other hand, I care about my sister, and if she were in need, I could take care of her. I would engage in caring for her. In other words, I would invest my time and energy in looking after her.

 We can believe in the power of empathy, but we don't have to engage in this way with everyone we meet.

 Empathy is a choice. Knowing the difference between caring about and caring for can help us make better choices about when and how to be empathetic so as to look after ourselves, as well as those around us.

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